New Yorkers, As Imagined By Californians: A Hilariously Awful Sitcom Script

A Typical Day in New York City (As Imagined by Californians)

Imagine a sitcom about New Yorkers, but the writers are clearly from California. This is what it might look like:

INT. APARTMENT—NIGHT

Rebecca and Hannah, two interns living in an affordable, 2,500-square-foot apartment on the Upper East Side, are throwing a party. It's just another Friday night for these young professionals with their spacious apartment overlooking Central Park.

REBECCA: It's O.K., but a little cramped. So I'm thinking of moving into a two-bedroom place by myself so that I can have an office.

MIKE: Makes sense.

REBECCA: How about you? What part of New York City do you live in?

MIKE: I'm on the Upper West Side.

REBECCA: Nice! So easy to get to from here!

MIKE: I know, right? Just a short subway ride away!

Meanwhile, Hannah is driving back from the convenience store.

HANNAH: Got any weekend plans?

LINDSAY: I'm going to visit my friend in Princeton.

HANNAH: Are you driving there? What roads are you planning to take? Please tell me in specific detail.

LINDSAY: I'll probably take the eighty-seven to the ninety-five, then head down New Jersey Turnpike.

HANNAH: Hmm, you might be better off taking Cross Bronx Expressway to the two-seventy-eight.

LINDSAY: You sure? What about taking Bruckner Expressway to the four-ninety-five?

HANNAH: Good thought! Let's continue to discuss, at length, what the optimal route would be.

INT. UBER—NIGHT

Mike and Rebecca are leaving the party, taking a $75 Uber back to his place on the Upper West Side. It's midnight, and the subway is no longer running.

REBECCA: Don't you just love driving down Broadway—the street that all the theatres are on?

MIKE: I do. But don't forget that New York also has a lot of great Off Broadway theatres—the theatres that are just a few blocks off of Broadway.

REBECCA: True! Isn't it great living in a city where live theatre plays such a big role in our day-to-day lives?

INT. APARTMENT—DAY

Hannah and Lindsay are hanging out in Lindsay's 2,000-square-foot apartment, also overlooking Central Park. Lindsay has just finished her shift at Sbarro, a classic New York pizza eatery.

HANNAH: Do you mind changing the thermostat? It's sixty-four degrees in here!

LINSDAY: No problem, I'll turn the A.C. down to sixty.

INT. APARTMENT—DAY

Mike and Rebecca are enjoying piping-hot Sbarro for breakfast.

MIKE: So what are you doing this weekend to decompress from the fast-paced world of boutique book publishing?

REBECCA: I'm spending the weekend in Long Island.

MIKE: Nice! Isn't being in Long Island the best? How will you get there?

REBECCA: I'll take the Lirr.

MIKE: The Lirr? I love taking the Lirr in Long Island!

REBECCA: I do, too! Except when it's so crowded that I have to wait in line.

MIKE: You've had to wait in line for the Lirr in Long Island?

REBECCA: I know, right? I hate waiting in line for the Lirr in Long Island!

INT. APARTMENT—DAY

Hannah and Lindsay have just finished discussing their favorite highways for getting to Connecticut. Outside, it's softly drizzling.

HANNAH: I'm going to drive down to the convenience store to get some ripe avocados to snack on, do you want anything?

LINSDAY: Hannah, you can't go outside right now, it's raining!

Hannah looks out the window at the soft drizzle and realizes that Lindsay's right—going outside in these conditions would be life-threatening.

HANNAH: True. And it's hard to find shopping-center parking on the Fifth Avenue, anyway.

This is New York City, as imagined by someone who has never actually been here. From the impossibly spacious apartments to the over-the-top descriptions of the city's simple realities, this is a hilarious glimpse into what happens when outsiders try to write about the Big Apple.